Monday, November 21, 2011


There are a few things about me that I prefer to keep under-wraps. But, since I have a no-bullshit policy when it comes to my life [or, I'd like to think so] I think it is time to "come out" about a few things. Our generation is obsessed with showing people their likes and dislikes ... what they believe makes them unique. I mean, look at Facebook and everything that came before it. Somewhere around high school graduation it became clear to me that I needed everyone to know everything about me and I subsequently needed to prove it through the internet. [I hate Facebook more than anything, by the way.] Now, I'm not saying that I ever got over that. I clearly love describing myself and expressing that through hilarious gifs on the internet, but I have to say that I am aware of how ridiculous it is so it doesn't eat my soul. So, since I'm so dead set on appearing to be awesome all the time, I thought I'd throw some of my absolute worst bits your way. After all, I'm only humansortof.

1. I like to make lists. Organization is key. But the truth is ... I only do well with long term lists since I procrastinate and do everything at the last minute. My to do list for today today has been to go to the gym, write 2 papers, cook dinner and clean the bedroom. I will do one of these things and then burn the list.

2. Being organized has nothing to do with being neat. I am an absolute slob. I like it messy, my friends. Not dirty as in "um, shit is growing in the corner of your room" but messy as in "Jesus, Kate ... put your damn clothes away and why is there a cup of water on every surface in your office? And who eats this many Now & Laters?!" I understand that this will get infinitely worse when I have a child.

3. I watch Desperate Housewives. Shit, I can't believe I'm telling you this. Someone told me it was "spooky," so I made the mistake of watching the first episode. They were totally right. It was like Charmed for old non-magical people, or Melrose Place with less sex and more wrinkles, or Golden Girls for young people. Plus ... Teri Hatcher? Seriously? Lois Lane? I can't not watch this show. Some of you won't be surprised by this since I have already confessed to watching Ghost Whisperer like a boss, but I have to admit that it goes against everything I stand for. If you ever want to talk about it with someone who can simultaneously get excited about and mock its plot line, e-mail me. I still remain fervently opposed to that slutty doctor show that everyone thinks is so amazing. "Yeah girl, did you see Grey's last night?!" Is still on my "top five phrases to ensure a face punch" list.

4. I make cakes from a box. Generally speaking, I'm the asshole who brags about making everything from scratch, but let me tell you ... when it comes to making cupcakes for a History Club meeting, measuring is for suckers. Actually, I hate to bake. I think baking is for smart people who follow rules and haven't failed college algebra. I'm an idiot who hates numbers and following rules. I make my own icing, does that count? This is why I'm a good cook ... fuck the rules, you know?

5. I'm fat for no reason. Now, I say "fat" because I'm allowed to say whatever I want about myself, ok? So, don't get all whatever on me about that. I think the worst part about my chunkiness is that there is absolutely no reason for it. I don't have a "problem" or disease that makes me eat more than most and refuse to stay on a workout regiment. I just don't. I was a competitive swimmer for years ... working out was my whole life! So, I guess it backfired like a sonofabitch and now I'm just lazy like everyone else. That being said, I do enjoy working out and eating right ... just not all the time. I like that in little spurts like 3 months before someone's wedding or 6 days before a party for which I bought a too-small yet fabulous dress. [I mean, if it won't zip, just stop eating for a few and then if that doesn't work just wear a blazer, "nailed it."] I'd love to get really motivated and have a partner to work out with and get super sexy for our beach trip this year, but I have the horrid, horrid habit of making friends who are at least 1/2 my size. I'm the funny fat friend. It's okay, I'm good at it! "You don't have to be attractive when you're as hilarious as I am all the livelong day." - Geraldine Granger  ... "Pick a side, bitch." - me  to Crystal Renn [below]

6. I am unbelievably irresponsible with money. I will literally eat Ramen for a week to get a pair of shoes that I want. I'm nearly thirty and somehow I'm able to justify this behavior again and again. Thank god for Brandon. I'm pretty sure I would have spiraled out of control had I not met him. Perspective is a great thing to have, but ... shoes are way better. I can say that because Brandon isn't here to be all judgy and smart. I started my own business so I wouldn't have to work a straight job every day and still be able to buy shoes and clothes. This is a serious statement. Totally irrational, but at least I'm aware of it, right? I'm really hoping that at some point I will naturally grow up and out of this phase, but we're looking at a good 10 years of strong materialism, so I wouldn't bet on it for awhile. The good thing is, I'm really determined to have what I want, so success is in my future in one way or another. 

 7. I hate to brush my teeth. I hate it. I don't know why, but I do. I like Listerine and I usually use that instead of brushing [go ahead, facepalm] but I get plenty of brushing in. The thought of having a gross mouth out-weighs my dislike for the ritual, so I'm clean, I promise. I really want horse teeth. My mom has giant beautiful teeth and I came out with creepy kid-teeth. Drives me bananas. I kind of don't want to be able to close my mouth because my teeth are so big. Is that so much to ask? I'd probably take better care of them if they weren't so unacceptable. The only problem with veneers is that you have to shave your tooth down to nothing to get them put on and that scares me a little. I think about it more than I should, but maybe one day I'll get my dream teeth. For the record - Brandon is anti-cosmetic procedures of all kind. I really want to shave my nose down, get horse teeth and Botox the ever-loving shit out of my forehead, but he honestly thinks I'm perfect, so as long as  he remains legally blind, I'm gonna honor his request and not drill my face off, like in FACE/OFF.

In all honesty, I'm kind of growing fond of my bumpy, crookedy nose, but ... I need giant teeth. Not like Freddie big, but ... maybe like my girl, Penny.

Yep. That's the toothiness I'd like to acquire. Actually, I would FACE/OFF with her anytime. She wouldn't be so famous with baby teeth and a wrinkly forehead now would she!?


  1. Yes, the messiness gets much much worse after a kid. There's just so much more crap everywhere.

    Also, all my friends are half my size too. What gives?

  2. I feel like I've met my bloggy twin. I could've written this exact same list. Except that I have a toddler, so the messiness has reached an all-time epic level.

    Lindsey @

  3. Bloggy twins activate! Thanks!

    And yes, Jessica ... I think it is obnoxious but the nice part of me [very, very small percentage of my overall personality, of course] doesn't want to dump them just becasue they're small.

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