I have 987,324 papers due next week. I always do this to myself ... I wait until the last minute because I genuinely feel like my work is better when I'm under pressure. But the whole time I'm staying up writing, eating shitty food while my ass falls asleep and I get distracted by everything ever on the internet, I'm thinking never will I ever wait this long to get my work done ... never, I say! I need a break, so here are some pictures I like to look at for one reason or another. [Marlon Brando gif for the win.]
There are a few things about me that I prefer to keep under-wraps. But, since I have a no-bullshit policy when it comes to my life [or, I'd like to think so] I think it is time to "come out" about a few things. Our generation is obsessed with showing people their likes and dislikes ... what they believe makes them unique. I mean, look at Facebook and everything that came before it. Somewhere around high school graduation it became clear to me that I needed everyone to know everything about me and I subsequently needed to prove it through the internet. [I hate Facebook more than anything, by the way.] Now, I'm not saying that I ever got over that. I clearly love describing myself and expressing that through hilarious gifs on the internet, but I have to say that I am aware of how ridiculous it is so it doesn't eat my soul. So, since I'm so dead set on appearing to be awesome all the time, I thought I'd throw some of my absolute worst bits your way. After all, I'm only humansortof.
1. I like to make lists. Organization is key. But the truth is ... I only do well with long term lists since I procrastinate and do everything at the last minute. My to do list for today today has been to go to the gym, write 2 papers, cook dinner and clean the bedroom. I will do one of these things and then burn the list.
2. Being organized has nothing to do with being neat. I am an absolute slob. I like it messy, my friends. Not dirty as in "um, shit is growing in the corner of your room" but messy as in "Jesus, Kate ... put your damn clothes away and why is there a cup of water on every surface in your office? And who eats this many Now & Laters?!" I understand that this will get infinitely worse when I have a child.
3. I watch Desperate Housewives. Shit, I can't believe I'm telling you this. Someone told me it was "spooky," so I made the mistake of watching the first episode. They were totally right. It was like Charmed for old non-magical people, or Melrose Place with less sex and more wrinkles, or Golden Girls for young people. Plus ... Teri Hatcher? Seriously? Lois Lane? I can't not watch this show. Some of you won't be surprised by this since I have already confessed to watching Ghost Whisperer like a boss, but I have to admit that it goes against everything I stand for. If you ever want to talk about it with someone who can simultaneously get excited about and mock its plot line, e-mail me. I still remain fervently opposed to that slutty doctor show that everyone thinks is so amazing. "Yeah girl, did you see Grey's last night?!" Is still on my "top five phrases to ensure a face punch" list.
4. I make cakes from a box. Generally speaking, I'm the asshole who brags about making everything from scratch, but let me tell you ... when it comes to making cupcakes for a History Club meeting, measuring is for suckers. Actually, I hate to bake. I think baking is for smart people who follow rules and haven't failed college algebra. I'm an idiot who hates numbers and following rules. I make my own icing, does that count? This is why I'm a good cook ... fuck the rules, you know?
5. I'm fat for no reason. Now, I say "fat" because I'm allowed to say whatever I want about myself, ok? So, don't get all whatever on me about that. I think the worst part about my chunkiness is that there is absolutely no reason for it. I don't have a "problem" or disease that makes me eat more than most and refuse to stay on a workout regiment. I just don't. I was a competitive swimmer for years ... working out was my whole life! So, I guess it backfired like a sonofabitch and now I'm just lazy like everyone else. That being said, I do enjoy working out and eating right ... just not all the time. I like that in little spurts like 3 months before someone's wedding or 6 days before a party for which I bought a too-small yet fabulous dress. [I mean, if it won't zip, just stop eating for a few and then if that doesn't work just wear a blazer, "nailed it."] I'd love to get really motivated and have a partner to work out with and get super sexy for our beach trip this year, but I have the horrid, horrid habit of making friends who are at least 1/2 my size. I'm the funny fat friend. It's okay, I'm good at it! "You don't have to be attractive when you're as hilarious as I am all the livelong day." - Geraldine Granger ... "Pick a side, bitch." - me to Crystal Renn [below]
6. I am unbelievably irresponsible with money. I will literally eat Ramen for a week to get a pair of shoes that I want. I'm nearly thirty and somehow I'm able to justify this behavior again and again. Thank god for Brandon. I'm pretty sure I would have spiraled out of control had I not met him. Perspective is a great thing to have, but ... shoes are way better. I can say that because Brandon isn't here to be all judgy and smart. I started my own business so I wouldn't have to work a straight job every day and still be able to buy shoes and clothes. This is a serious statement. Totally irrational, but at least I'm aware of it, right? I'm really hoping that at some point I will naturally grow up and out of this phase, but we're looking at a good 10 years of strong materialism, so I wouldn't bet on it for awhile. The good thing is, I'm really determined to have what I want, so success is in my future in one way or another.
7. I hate to brush my teeth. I hate it. I don't know why, but I do. I like Listerine and I usually use that instead of brushing [go ahead, facepalm] but I get plenty of brushing in. The thought of having a gross mouth out-weighs my dislike for the ritual, so I'm clean, I promise. I really want horse teeth. My mom has giant beautiful teeth and I came out with creepy kid-teeth. Drives me bananas. I kind of don't want to be able to close my mouth because my teeth are so big. Is that so much to ask? I'd probably take better care of them if they weren't so unacceptable. The only problem with veneers is that you have to shave your tooth down to nothing to get them put on and that scares me a little. I think about it more than I should, but maybe one day I'll get my dream teeth. For the record - Brandon is anti-cosmetic procedures of all kind. I really want to shave my nose down, get horse teeth and Botox the ever-loving shit out of my forehead, but he honestly thinks I'm perfect, so as long as he remains legally blind, I'm gonna honor his request and not drill my face off, like in FACE/OFF.
In all honesty, I'm kind of growing fond of my bumpy, crookedy nose, but ... I need giant teeth. Not like Freddie big, but ... maybe like my girl, Penny.
Yep. That's the toothiness I'd like to acquire. Actually, I would FACE/OFF with her anytime. She wouldn't be so famous with baby teeth and a wrinkly forehead now would she!?
I still have quite a lot to take care of this weekend, but I need a break. I found some pretty great treasures online today. The internet really doesn't want me to be successful with my task list, but I won't give up. Sorry for the profanity in this post, but that sign was just too perfect and ... the initials say "KH" which is just an added bonus. I have approximately 3 more papers to write before I'm caught up for the week. I'll let you know how it goes ... I know you're on the edge of your seat. Enjoy! And see more [way more] at TheBerry.com ... a place to find great, inspiring pictures and waste tons of time! ♥
More shoes forever!! I've actually had these for awhile, but I'm feeling down lately and the best thing for that is some obnoxiously fabulous and over-the-top pumps. These fit EXACTLY how Barbie's shoes fit. [If that doesn't make sense to you ... I'm not sure why you read this blog.] Plus, they show toe-cleavage, so ... hot. And for the record, I have not 'shopped these in any way. They are absolutely this bright!
Cookie likes to doodle. She'll periodically doodle a picture for me that is so hilarious and wonderful that I feel the need to show people. Usually, people don't know what the hell is going on, so I'll try and caption these for you, but ... I just really feel the need to put this out there in the world.
Collected works, including "Milk Steak" and what she wishes I wore for Halloween this year.
She wrote down that she was going to "draw me in a Blake's bear coat" to which I said "dragon in a baked beans coat?!" ... result above.
This is what she was actually going for ... me wearing my TV boyfriend [from Workaholics] Blake's famous bear coat. "Bitch better have my honey!"
We were talking about camel toes ... Thanksgiving is next week. Shit happens.
The absolute best portrait anyone has ever drawn of me. Brandon loved it. He is going to keep it in his wallet like normal men who keep pictures of their wives in their wallets ... only better and infinitely more accurate.
I have so much stuff to do. I am absolutely refusing for some reason. My post-Halloween depression is waning, but I'm finding it very difficult to get motivated. So, here are some pictures I stole from the internet. My favorite blogs are Tumblr picture blogs, which is why I often [selfishly] have "visual inspiration" posts, but I've taken some pictures of my amazing neon pumps [sure to cheer your day!] and I've been working on a post on caramel apples, so if I can just finish 3 papers, catch up on my ZC orders, and take my Russia make up exam, I'll be blogging like hell this weekend.