American Christmas Devil

B & I will be spending Christmas doing ... nothing. A perfect ending to this horrible season! I don't mean to sound like the Grinch, but the last few months have been horrid! I'm ready for this year to be over and Christmas weekend is one step closer to that wish coming true. We do plan to snuggle up and maybe watch a Christmas movie [or the TEASGJ Chrimbus Special] and stop by the in-laws for a little while, but other than that it will be a pretty depressing Christmas. Hurry up, 2012!! Please scroll down and see the American Christmas Devil!

UPDATE: Cookie & I have planned a wonderful Chrimbus Eve. We're going to drink more than we should and sew dresses while watching Die Hard. If you want to join us ... too bad. [zing!] Looks like my Holiday weekend just got a little less depressing. Whoo!

♥

We Need a New Plague

I'm really judgmental. I'm equally as hard on myself which is how I justify it, usually. It has gotten better, though. I don't think that it's as unhealthy as it used to be, because I mostly keep it to myself nowadays. I've learned that the type of things I am judgmental about are not the kind of things people like to admit about themselves [learned all of those things the hard way, actually] so I have in turn learned to keep my judgments to myself unless solicited. But this is why I have a blog ... I can get this kind of stuff out without making someone cry in a bathroom later! [true story] Here are a few things I'm being super judgmental about lately. I don't really feel the need to discuss them beyond a couple of sentences. Most of you will be all "ohmygodyeah, so annoying," so I thought I'd share. Some of them are funny ... some sad. Either way, enjoy!
____________________________________________________________________________
** I am judging you when your parents buy you a house. I am torn between being extremely jealous that you are being given a gift of such proportions but equally defiant, trying to tell myself I wouldn't let my parents do the same because I am an adult. People in my peer group are nearing 30 and I know at least a half-dozen that are being supported financially by their parents. The mixture of feelings that well up [and we all know I hate to feel] inside of me is unique and obnoxious. Stop telling me things that made me want to hit you.

** If you bend over in your skirt and I can see your underwear ... put something else on. This goes a long with my cardinal rule of fashion ["Don't wear shoes you can't walk in!"] and also requires the smallest amount of common sense. Get it together, ladies.

** Having a baby to save a marriage is so old school. Not in that awesome "oh, look, he is carrying a stereo on his shoulder" type of way. But, in that "I thought we had a cure for Polio" way.

** Shoving Jesus down people's throats is a Southern tradition, I realize this. But, not in the workplace. When you send out "Jesus is the reason for the season" emails through your employer's e-mail system ... you're breaking the law. This is especially true if you work for the government. You cannot sign your e-mails "Tammy Jean BeeBoo, Assistant Whatever in Charge of Nothing [318] 345.6789 "May you praise his holy name forever and ever and more bible stuff from my daily devotional calendar, Amen." You can't do that!! And yet ... I see it every damn day.

** Coming to the library to "look for a job" should not consist of 14 minutes of ShreveportHelpWanted.com and 6 hours of Facebook ... while I babysit your children. I've actually had a 6 year old come up and ask "when are we going to eat?" I had to walk over and snap his mother out of her YouTube coma [complete with giant headphones to block out the sound of her children in a public place] to let her know her child was hungry.
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So, now that I've gotten this week's bullshit off of my brain ... I'm announcing my new positivity campaign. All of the things I've listed above are completely out of my control. Therefore, from now on, I will definitely recognize these issues and process the feelings I have about certain situations [probably in blog form] but then ... I'm letting it go. I don't have time to stress about the shortcomings of others. And as the great Danny Glover says in every Lethal Weapon movie ever, "I'm gettin' too old for this shit."

Sad Sack

Still on the mend, physically. One more week of school for this semester. I'm looking forward to a break. I've got some stuff to write and edit, some wine to drink, some bubble baths to take and a lot of stuff to catch up on. In case you haven't been able to tell from my blogs ... we are really ready for 2012 at the Hesson Haus. We haven't had the best luck over the last few months, so we're looking forward to kissing 2011 goodbye. I can definitely say that I wouldn't have been able to get through the bullshit without Brandon. He is the absolute best and I am so lucky to have him. He lets me be a sad sack when it is necessary, like now, without letting me get too down in the dumps. It is kind of hard to be full-on depressed when he is around; I'm very thankful for him these days. Despite the "when it rains it pours" poster couple we have been over the last few months, we have a lot to look forward to ... like our annual beach trip, which we're currently booking. Onward and upward! I also might defiantly dye my hair a something crazy as a big eff you to 2011; it's fun to be a girl sometimes, no?

♥

Confessions

There are a few things about me that I prefer to keep under-wraps. But, since I have a no-bullshit policy when it comes to my life [or, I'd like to think so] I think it is time to "come out" about a few things. Our generation is obsessed with showing people their likes and dislikes ... what they believe makes them unique. I mean, look at Facebook and everything that came before it. Somewhere around high school graduation it became clear to me that I needed everyone to know everything about me and I subsequently needed to prove it through the internet. [I hate Facebook more than anything, by the way.] Now, I'm not saying that I ever got over that. I clearly love describing myself and expressing that through hilarious gifs on the internet, but I have to say that I am aware of how ridiculous it is so it doesn't eat my soul. So, since I'm so dead set on appearing to be awesome all the time, I thought I'd throw some of my absolute worst bits your way. After all, I'm only humansortof.

1. I like to make lists. Organization is key. But the truth is ... I only do well with long term lists since I procrastinate and do everything at the last minute. My to do list for today today has been to go to the gym, write 2 papers, cook dinner and clean the bedroom. I will do one of these things and then burn the list.

2. Being organized has nothing to do with being neat. I am an absolute slob. I like it messy, my friends. Not dirty as in "um, shit is growing in the corner of your room" but messy as in "Jesus, Kate ... put your damn clothes away and why is there a cup of water on every surface in your office? And who eats this many Now & Laters?!" I understand that this will get infinitely worse when I have a child.

3. I watch Desperate Housewives. Shit, I can't believe I'm telling you this. Someone told me it was "spooky," so I made the mistake of watching the first episode. They were totally right. It was like Charmed for old non-magical people, or Melrose Place with less sex and more wrinkles, or Golden Girls for young people. Plus ... Teri Hatcher? Seriously? Lois Lane? I can't not watch this show. Some of you won't be surprised by this since I have already confessed to watching Ghost Whisperer like a boss, but I have to admit that it goes against everything I stand for. If you ever want to talk about it with someone who can simultaneously get excited about and mock its plot line, e-mail me. I still remain fervently opposed to that slutty doctor show that everyone thinks is so amazing. "Yeah girl, did you see Grey's last night?!" Is still on my "top five phrases to ensure a face punch" list.

4. I make cakes from a box. Generally speaking, I'm the asshole who brags about making everything from scratch, but let me tell you ... when it comes to making cupcakes for a History Club meeting, measuring is for suckers. Actually, I hate to bake. I think baking is for smart people who follow rules and haven't failed college algebra. I'm an idiot who hates numbers and following rules. I make my own icing, does that count? This is why I'm a good cook ... fuck the rules, you know?

5. I'm fat for no reason. Now, I say "fat" because I'm allowed to say whatever I want about myself, ok? So, don't get all whatever on me about that. I think the worst part about my chunkiness is that there is absolutely no reason for it. I don't have a "problem" or disease that makes me eat more than most and refuse to stay on a workout regiment. I just don't. I was a competitive swimmer for years ... working out was my whole life! So, I guess it backfired like a sonofabitch and now I'm just lazy like everyone else. That being said, I do enjoy working out and eating right ... just not all the time. I like that in little spurts like 3 months before someone's wedding or 6 days before a party for which I bought a too-small yet fabulous dress. [I mean, if it won't zip, just stop eating for a few and then if that doesn't work just wear a blazer, "nailed it."] I'd love to get really motivated and have a partner to work out with and get super sexy for our beach trip this year, but I have the horrid, horrid habit of making friends who are at least 1/2 my size. I'm the funny fat friend. It's okay, I'm good at it! "You don't have to be attractive when you're as hilarious as I am all the livelong day." - Geraldine Granger  ... "Pick a side, bitch." - me  to Crystal Renn [below]

6. I am unbelievably irresponsible with money. I will literally eat Ramen for a week to get a pair of shoes that I want. I'm nearly thirty and somehow I'm able to justify this behavior again and again. Thank god for Brandon. I'm pretty sure I would have spiraled out of control had I not met him. Perspective is a great thing to have, but ... shoes are way better. I can say that because Brandon isn't here to be all judgy and smart. I started my own business so I wouldn't have to work a straight job every day and still be able to buy shoes and clothes. This is a serious statement. Totally irrational, but at least I'm aware of it, right? I'm really hoping that at some point I will naturally grow up and out of this phase, but we're looking at a good 10 years of strong materialism, so I wouldn't bet on it for awhile. The good thing is, I'm really determined to have what I want, so success is in my future in one way or another. 

 7. I hate to brush my teeth. I hate it. I don't know why, but I do. I like Listerine and I usually use that instead of brushing [go ahead, facepalm] but I get plenty of brushing in. The thought of having a gross mouth out-weighs my dislike for the ritual, so I'm clean, I promise. I really want horse teeth. My mom has giant beautiful teeth and I came out with creepy kid-teeth. Drives me bananas. I kind of don't want to be able to close my mouth because my teeth are so big. Is that so much to ask? I'd probably take better care of them if they weren't so unacceptable. The only problem with veneers is that you have to shave your tooth down to nothing to get them put on and that scares me a little. I think about it more than I should, but maybe one day I'll get my dream teeth. For the record - Brandon is anti-cosmetic procedures of all kind. I really want to shave my nose down, get horse teeth and Botox the ever-loving shit out of my forehead, but he honestly thinks I'm perfect, so as long as  he remains legally blind, I'm gonna honor his request and not drill my face off, like in FACE/OFF.

In all honesty, I'm kind of growing fond of my bumpy, crookedy nose, but ... I need giant teeth. Not like Freddie big, but ... maybe like my girl, Penny.

Yep. That's the toothiness I'd like to acquire. Actually, I would FACE/OFF with her anytime. She wouldn't be so famous with baby teeth and a wrinkly forehead now would she!?

Good Mourning

In case you were wondering ... I am, in fact, alive. Barely! 3 days before Halloween, in an unprecedented turn of events, I became ill! I rarely get sick, besides my insane intestines which choose to hate me from time to time. But, I got ... real, real sick. So, after my illness ruined my favorite day of the year, I had a couple of nice days before I got food poisoning. Dear God. I would not wish that on my worst enemy; and I have several people that I consider my enemy [because I'm 12] but I really don't believe anyone should feel that way. It kind of feels like you're about to die until you can finally fall asleep and then your body says "JUST KIDDING! Wake up! You really are going to die! Muwahahahbarf." I'm scared to eat turkey ever again in life. I also haven't cooked anything in two weeks and I lost 11lbs this weekend [yikes]. I'm turning into 19 year old Kate. This is bad news. But rest assured, I'll return to my pleasantly plump self and begin bugging you all about my newest recipes and shoes very soon.

So, now that I've dug myself out of all of that, with the help of my darling husband and some great friends, I have now realized that Halloween is over. So, now I'm depressed. Let us hope that Thanksgiving and Christmas can cheer me up enough to forget about my horrible Halloween!

Yes & NO!!! [plaid]

I'd like to introduce a new feature for Hesson Haus ... I'd like to call it "Yes & NO!" Sort of like a "Who Wore It Best" mixed with a "Oh No You Didn't!" Remember the Katherine Heigl blog? One of my favorites. Not because I like to bash people for their clothing choice, but because I often get the feeling that some people are completely incapable of choosing acceptable outfits for themselves and hat baffles me, especially if they're celebrities who could employ a hard-working stylist to help! So, here we go ...

Yes! All of it. Please wear gorgeous McQ tartan in princess form and pair it with a leather jacket and perfect pumps. Minimal make up and jewelry help you concentrate on the dress ... perfection! Age appropriate, too! Which is kind of a rarity nowadays. A+

No ... not ever. I mean, I get that she is the spokesmodel for Material Girl, so some of this is necessary, like the stupid hair thing and the cross, but ... she needs help here. [Isn't she on a fashion critiquing show on E!?] Yikes. This Hatchet-Face-meets-Madonna outfit has great elements. I love buffalo or any checked print, I'm pretty sure I have 8 or 9 variations of that black skirt and I'm a huge fan of leopard ... but, all of that plus the denim vest and a cut-off t-shirt, this is a nightmare. F [...could have been a D+, but you should know that she is wearing flip-flops, rendering all arguments invalid]

Thoughts & Prayers

I've always been a bit put off when people cast a quizzical look in my direction when I offer prayers. No, I'm not a church-goer, but if I'm not mistaken, prayers aren't exclusive to Christ. I know a lot about this ... and not just because I opened a new Google Chrome tab and went to Wikipedia to make sure. I've always thought of prayer as a meditation, even when I was forced to do it as a child in church. You know, communication to the higher power, that sort of thing. As I got older, that translated into a vibe or a happy feeling or thought you could send toward someone else. But now, apparently, you can only pray, or use the word pray if you go to church. I've actually started saying "thoughts" or "wishes" so I don't have to justify myself to anyone. The bottom line of my argument is ... if someone is wishing you well in a time of need ... why the hell do you care what they call it?! As long as it is positive and in good spirit, it should be gladly received.

It is possible to be spiritual without being religious. Now for a few pictures that describe the week I'm having ...

Thanks SenorGif, for helping me properly describe my current misery. 

Baby Madness!!

I'm sure this is one of those "yes, it's just you, Kate" things ... but, is it just me or does anyone else think it is weird when women invite everyone they've ever met to meet them at the hospital when they have a kid. Let me first say ... no, I'm not pregnant! But I've had several friends get pregnant recently and it has been my experience that everyone calls around and wants people to come to the hospital to be part of the experience. I genuinely do not understand this. Nearly every time I've been to the hospital for a friend or relative who is giving birth, they look like hell, they're miserable, drugged up and exhausted. Beyond that ... I've never given birth, but it seems like an intensely personal experience that doesn't call for spectators or a posse. I have a big family! But, I can't see that happening ...

As with several social/cultural issues that I address [er, bitch about], I realize that this may be different once I experience it for myself, but I really don't think I'll change my mind and send out mass texts that tell how dilated my cervix is.  This also goes for ultrasound pictures ... I don't think it is appropriate to show that kind of stuff on Facebook/Twitter/whatever ... I mean, it looks like a poltergeist at that point, so why not just put a status up that says, "I made a human, now wait a few months 'til I pop it out so you can lie about how cute it is!" You'll save yourself a lot of "what the hell is that" comments, trust me.

On yet another note about babies ... why does having one validate one's existence?! Before you write me off as a bitter baby-hater, let me just declare here and now that Brandon and I definitely want kids. I mean, we have names and decor picked out already! I think it is going to be a great experience and something that at least one of us [Brandon] will be wonderful with. But, as a married couple in our late-twenties ... we are often looked at as "odd" or "immature" for not having kids by now. I guess I should also throw in the word "barren," since most people thing something is wrong since we haven't had baby and we're nearing thirty. This is especially true among people in their 40s or people our parents age. I'm not sure if they are so astounded because they had kids at 20 and they think that everyone should do exactly as they have done, or if they're baffled by married people who live in happiness without having to immediately justify the union with a child. We aren't royals, we don't need an heir just yet! We are really enjoying our "us" time. It is really nice to be able to stay up all night talking or have mid-day quickies without worrying about an infant rolling off of a flat surface in another room. All in good time. We'll be able to experience it all the fun, excitement, ups & downs of having a child when we're ready.  And, I honestly believe that since we're taking this time to strengthen our relationship, we'll will be all the better for it when we finally decide to go for it. As far as we are concerned, we have already "started a family," adding members is just a bonus.

That being said ... I'll probably turn up pregnant next month! 

♥

Plight of the Gemini ♥

I almost always feel like a mixture of this ...

 and this ...

... hooray for Geminis! ♥

Some Bossier Butterface

Someone needs to tell the woman [or man] singing this song to SIT DOWN and KNOCK IT OFF!! Is she really singing the letters LOL and making hand gestures a la "2 Legit 2 Quit"?! I love that she is breaking this song out like "LOL" is something new and exciting that she just KNOWS is going to catch on ... its 2011, no one even types "lol" anymore! I'm not L'ing oh L ... I'm crying and barfing ... what is the lingo/hand sign for that? I'm C/B'ing all over myself. 

So ... this is from Bossier, right? I mean ... I'm pretty sure I've seen this bitch driving her Tahoe to the Rock 'n Rodeo [where this was clearly filmed] to meet up with all her equally depressing divorced 30-something friends for ladies night so younger guys who tan and wear Affliction to make it seem like they're "buff" instead of fat can bang them in the bathroom and hopefully meet up later at Buffalo Wild Wings to watch wrestling.

I fully believe that this is what those women think they look like when they're standing outside Superior Grill on Saturday night at 7, waiting 2 hours for a table, wearing white eyeliner and sucking down those margaritas in hopes of snagging a "hottie" and making all the "haters" jealous. 

This is real life. This shit exists ... and it's everywhere.

This Week in "What the hell?"

I've gathered a few pictures over the last week with my phone. These are usually pictures I would upload to Facebook with a caption that says something like "I hate everyone," but I don't do the big FB anymore, so I thought I'd share with y'all!

Weird how there is no  "Calculate your own level of douche" app available. I know of at least 4 guys I've met that probably have this app. My anger towards people like that has really just turned to pity for them and those around them.

This place has more "Hello Kitty" cars per capita than any other city.

Classic.

?!?!!?!? Hahahhaa. This is a real magazine that I found in WalGreens.

Yeah, you and everyone else ...

I'm definitely having a little trouble getting started today ... the snow is just so fun!! It's making The Fort all purpley. [see above] I really love snow days. I'll probably post some pictures later, but like I said before ... I'm not a photographer. I'm actually struggling with the fact that everyone considers themselves one these days. [I'm currently bitching about this with a friend in Google Chat! haha.] Giant, obnoxious watermarks on mediocre, "color-splashed" and over-edited photos of girls standing on train tracks in shitty make-up form Claire's. [I actually get all my earrings there, but you know what I mean ...] It's really, really getting annoying. I don't want to discourage people who are trying to be creative, [lord knows I am a hobby whore] but I don't buy all of the instantaneous professional photography careers that are popping up everywhere lately. I  mean, there is a difference in being interested in photography, or taking classes, or blogging amateur shots for fun, sport or hobby, etc ... but setting up shop and asking for someone's hard earned money in return for your set-on-auto photos before you've even read the manual reeks of ridiculousness. Last time I checked, when you buy an entry-level DSLR camera, it doesn't come complete with a flash website with adult contemporary [read: Butterfly Kisses] music playing in the background while your "portfolio" slideshow plays.  It must be hard for actual photographers to get any business. I was even offering to do a friend's bridal shots recently because I figured hell, my pictures are as good as any of those ass clowns' and they'll charge her out the nose ... but, I would feel like a hypocrite and I don't want to take away business from someone who has chosen that as a profession. And yes ... most of them are overpriced, I realize that. But I really think they're just trying to separate themselves from the muck and I can understand that.

This is harsh, yes. But, I as I've been trying to work at becoming an even planner [for over two years now! But, I think it might just be a phase ...] I have been in the market for photographers lately. I find it odd that there are so many, but it seems the truly good, established or even budding professionals with great portfolios are discouraged from doing weddings nowadays and I really don't blame them! Talk about over-saturation in the market. No wonder they charge so much ... and then they have 100+ more "photographers" in their city that automatically set their prices at that level without having the skill to back it up. For the everyday consumer in the market for senior portraits, a wedding photographer or "lifestyle" shots [what in the hell is that ...] it is easiest to go with the first or cheapest one they find.

But, I'm just a blogger who makes soy candles in my pajamas and sells them online, so what do I know ... hah! I know I seem too judgmental at times but I wish only to understand what is happening in my own environment and it seems to me that delusion is rampant among those in my peer group and when something like that goes unchecked, you end up with ... well, I'll save that for another blog. 

In other news ... I really need to study and work on homework today, but I'm finding myself playing in the snow and making candles instead. I need to get to work!! ♥

You're different ... we get it!

As some of you know, I am going to be knee-deep in weddings again this year and I couldn't be happier! I recently went back to an old bookmark on my computer, OffBeatBrides.com ...

I believe that like everything else I love, mainstream internet hipster doofuses are going to ruin everything I love. Honestly, looking through all of these over-the-top "LOOK AT ME BECAUSE I'M DIFFERENT" weddings is not easy for me to stomach. While I applaud the interesting and creative ways that some couples make their wedding truly unique, for every one of those there are 25 sweet Jesus, kill me now weddings to follow.

Let me attempt to explain ... I consider myself to be a little off-beat, so it pains me to say this, but like it or not, weddings are a tradition! First and foremost I proudly support gay marriage, so this has nothing to do with that, I'm talking about the event itself. I don't mind the re-writing of ceremony traditions and I love the special uniqueness of couples that really create a sense for the guest or witnesses of that wedding that they are in the atmosphere of the bride & groom. But as a nerdy, zombie-obsessed, Halloween hobby whore who  is married to an even nerdier, zombie loving, chuck-wearing, fellow ex-band geek gamer I can say that I would already [just three years later] be kicking myself if I had a Mario & Luigi themed wedding. Sure, B and I had nothing but music and video games in common the first 2 dates together; and sure, the first few years with him were spent listening to Joy Division with chopsticks in one hand and a game controller in the other, but it didn't define who we were/are as a couple and your wedding is supposed to be some sort of expression of that; a way to publicly declare your love for each other, not your fandom.

This goes back to what I was saying about marriages being disposable. I keep getting the idea that these people are thinking, "well, if it really isn't that serious, why not make fun? Why not show everyone how different we can really be. Does anyone else find this disturbing? We are the culture of the one-uppers. "I love that band" ... "well, I have a tattoo of that band" ... "well, I quit my job to follow that band around the country" ... "well, I gave my kids to my parents so I could have re-constructive and sex-reassignment surgery so I could look like the lead singer of that band" ... okay, I'm getting carried away. But, I feel like we are constantly trying to prove to everyone how different and awesome and unique we are by taking self-expression to the highest, most self-absorbed level. I have to constantly stop myself from doing the one-up back-and-forth when someone mentions that Halloween is their favorite holiday. I mean, seriously ... they have nothing on me, but is it worth looking like a sniveling, attention\approval-seeking imbecile?  Of course not.

I really enjoy tattooed brides and grooms in hats, I love quirky venues and alternatives to champagne toasts, unity candles and first dances. I really, really love holiday weddings [when done tastefully] and themed weddings as long as the theme doesn't swallow up the part that is most important; the wedding! I think wedding dresses can be pretty much any color and wedding favors are a free-for-all. I don't enjoy cookie cutter, boring, soul-less weddings that bore you to tears or make you think "wait, haven't I already been to this wedding, and what I really don't enjoy and am starting to see more often is the mockery that some people are seeking in order to one-up each other in the wedding game.

I've looked through about 30 [okay, 65] pages of "off beat" weddings with titles like "Angel and JoJo's epic, eco, totally-rad, non-fail, all-win, retro, bluegrass, hindu-infused wedding, ZOMG!" and nearly all of them say "DON'T JUDGE ME!" or "I WILL NOT BOW TO THE NORM", etc in their bio or explanation of the wedding. Do they not realize that they are the cliche now? Chances are, if you start your life together in a fantasy, the rest may very well fall short. A wedding shouldn't be a person's biggest and best day, just one of the most important and hopefully that won't involve getting a tattoo on the altar or giving vibrators as bridesmaids gifts [yes, that happened] just to get those ever-desired side glances so you can rebut with something witty, albeit painfully transparent.

Let's stop trying to be different for the sake of being different, okay? 

Here is the formula for today's "different" weddings:

"Goth" - Red, black, white ... no frills, too much edge, not enough pretty and way too much of a theme that goes nowhere beyond the harsh color scheme and lack of originality. There is a way to have a gothic wedding without looking like you just ran out of HotTopic!!

"Vintage/Retro" - tea length dress, some sort of hair piece, colorful shoes, guys looking like extras in a cheap movie, some form of retro/swing dancing, lace everywhere [doilies, even], cup-cake wedding cake [done to damn death, people!!!] ... vintage and retro should really focus on the delecate, not the obnoxious.

"Hipster" - non-wedding wedding dress, cloth or brooch flower bouquets, V.W. "Melissa" shoes [enough with those, already!] eco-friendly wedding favors, home-brew beers, cupcake or pies instead of wedding cake, rock-band reception ... a couple of these might seem like great ideas, but when you cram all of them into a 4 hour event, it reeks of "you're different, WE GET IT!!!!"

You get the idea ... here are a few "weird" wedding touches that I totally love and get. I won't show you the one's I don't like ... I'm sure I did a great job explaining, you've probably seen them a hundred times and I don't want them on my page! Ha!

 This reminds me of Gwen Stefani's wedding dress ... beautiful, unique [but not obnoxiously so] bride!

 I love alternative venues!! This looks so romantic. 

Rubbing their rings for good luck. So unique!

 Hah! Funny pictures are always welcome!

How amazing is this dress!? The front is totally ivory, catches you by surprise!

DIE HIPSTER SCUM!

"We can put birds on things and call it art!"

HHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Reasons 22-847 why I'll never go to Portland. I can't wait to watch/cringe at/laugh at/cry over this shit. 

Don't Dress Yourself, Alba

SWEET. FANCY. MOSES.

                                                update:  JESUS. TAP-DANCING. CHRIST. 

                                                update #2:  HOLY, shitballs.

                                                update #3:  OH. NO. SHE. DI-EHNT.

If you're under the impression that this is "fierce," "cute," or even "not that bad," ... just stop it. We can't be friends. Ever. Also, if you actually use the word "fierce" at any time other than a conversation about gladiator battles in ancient Rome or feral cat fights fighting in a back alley ... just click the little red X at the top right of this box. It's over between us, just move along. 

Kisses,

QB

Whatevz, I'm Over It

This is sad, but for me, it is most often the people closest to me that I can count on the least. I don't mean that in terms of my husband or my entire family, but there are definitely friends I've had for years and family members that let me down on a regular basis. Why? I realize I'm pretty awful, but if you're my friend or the like, you probably already know that and are accustomed to my shitty ways. I feel like I'm supportive of my friends and their endeavors and I don't do that for the sole purpose of having it returned, but I often find myself thinking "why am I having to beg for support right now?" I definitely spent most of my young life begging for attention and was made to feel horrible for it, but as an adult, I don't consider assuming someone who cares for me will be there for me as attention-seeking behavior.

I don't consider this a rant, or a vague non-name-dropping slight to a specific person whom I'm too cowardly to confront. I am speaking generally about several people over several years. This is more of an "isn't life grand" type post. The fact that I have to say that is sad; people are so quick to assume I'm talking about them when I write something critical. Any time I have an issue with someone, they know it first. That is the point, right? I get a lot of flack for bringing up issues or calling people on their bull-shit [and honestly, denying my own from time to time] but how on earth can anyone cultivate a real relationship with anyone without being honest and dealing with their issues? Communication is key, but for the record ... I don't think that involves begging for encouragement.

The problem with having this type of conversation is that the person almost always gets defensive and then overcompensates, cheapening their words and making it seem as if they're feigning emotion to suffice the crying titty-baby. Then I [the titty-baby] just end up feeling like an asshole. Ugh. OR they get defensive and react the opposite way by playing freeze out or  throwing your relationship away completely. I'm pretty great at the latter; I weigh my issues with people against involving myself with them at all and if my Benjamin Franklin style pros/cons list doesn't add up ... it's over. [I'm such a guy.] I guess this is why people just write Facebook status updates like, "I REALLY WISH GIRLS WEREN'T SUCH BITCHES!!! EPIC FAIL!!!! SEE MY REAL FRIENDS TONIGHT!!!" ... shit, just typing that makes my bowels twitch. Getting it out of your system in a safe [as in, non-consequential whatsoever] way is great, as long as you don't plan on learning any life lessons. Honestly, how can you be sure you have any real friends whatsoever if you're constantly hating everything they do, but never talking about it?

I guess I can safely say that I've learned a lot this year about my relationships; old, new, real, fake, tormented,  and blissful. And I have to say ... WHO NEEDS 'EM!?!

I'm kidding, I'll probably make more friends, lose more and maybe just keep a few forever, but I'll be kicking and screaming the whole way if people don't stop stunting their growth out of fear of an 'icky' feeling and learn how to interact on a real level.

Hahahahahah. Dickhead = Hipster Doofus

Grey's!

People actually say that ... "I'm watching GREY'S!" I guess you're only cool if you're on a first name basis with the worst show ever. Honestly, what is it with people wanting to watch doctors be slutty? Brandon thanks me on a daily basis for being the anti-everythingthatsucks woman that I am. I thank him for being the opposite of every Affliction-clad, gelled hair douche bag I see every day.
So, lets talk about how awful this is ...

This is burning my eyeballs out of my head ... I mean, I don't like her, I hate everything she has been in except for Wish Upon A Star, so I'm not going to be nice. But even if I loved and adored her and had big giant pictures of her made into art on canvas like you can do at Michaels for a ridiculous price, I would not be pleased with this horrid outfit. She looks like an extra on Deep Space Nine or president of Save the Elephants and/or Possums Foundation. Lets give her some slack on the jacket, it is a great cut. The dress [or shirt/skirt combo] probably could stand on its own with the right shoes or accessories, but wearing them together is just ridiculous. So, once she gets that on [and all the mirrors in her house break and she has no friends that will tell her to stop the insanity] she thinks ... you know, there really just isn't enough grey touching my body right now, I'm gonna go see if Goodwill is still open ... enter, the knee-high, grey suede crushed-velvet-esque boots WITH TIGHTS, no less. And not black tights or nude color support hose ... MORE GREY!

By this time, she is just exHAUSTED and thinks ... screw it, I'm just gonna wear my hair up wet and forget the make up. As long as I do the crossed-leg-hands-on-the-hip pose, everything will be fine! Not so. She blew it.



Goth Girl

I get asked if I am "goth" quite often. [Yes, people just ask right out as if that is socially acceptable.] Usually by children and/or the elderly. Honestly, I think it is hilarious. Is that even a thing anymore? Now it seems like the alternative lifestyle for kids is about being slutty or extreme or on prescription medication. The closest thing to goth now is probably this vampire thing, which nauseates me. I read all those damn Twilight books and I'm here to tell  you there is no sex. How can you write an entire series about vampires and not have a single sex scene?! I'm kidding, I realize its for teenagers. I'd really like to see the look on their faces when they grow up and read pre-Christ Anne Rice [sounds like the name of a punk band ...] novels. Oh, man they would freak right the hell out, don't you think?

For the record, I'm not goth. I just love Halloween, dead things, The Smiths, hate the sun and wear black all the ti--oh shit ... I'm goth!

aww ♥

Yogaaaaaaaaaawr

Yoga mats are like $25 online. I got this one for $9 at WalMart. Now ... I know that I usually talk about how WalMart is the demon devil hell, but sometimes poor people like myself need to go there. I try and go when I don't think people will be there, but trust me ... there is no time such as that. Everyone is always there and they bring all their dumb kids.

Speaking of dumb kids ... I had a kid tell me the other day that I look "35 or somethin'" and I have "a whole buncha' wrinkles" on my forehead. So mean. So true. Look away, I'm hideous.

I also got this wicked awesome sweat band. [$5!] It is so gross! Just put it on while you're working out and it makes you sweat more around the stomach to encourage the loss of water weight. I've just been wearing it around while I clean the house. Its like a girdle, sucks you right in. Hopefully I'll be able to lose a little weight before the weddings.

I'm matron of honor in two weddings in October, both of which I'll be wearing a super pretty dress that will probably look awful on me. I'm trying to think positively, but I am absolutely dreading all of it. I wish I could just wear all black and sit in the crowd!

UPDATE: I just used this fatty belt thing during pilates and holy lord, I think I lost 2lbs of sweat. Awesome.